Additions, Subtractions, and Confusions
by knives4cash
Summary: Teams RWBY and JNPR engage in a dangerous game. Hilarity and attempts to deal with the consequences ensue.


I groan. It's a lovely spring day outside. At least, I think it's lovely. Ruby and Weiss block my view of the window. I turn back to the center of the class, in which Yang stands tall and proud in her uniform. Today is the day we all read out speeches aloud. Yang, alas, is being Yang. "And THAT'S why trickle-down economics is a load of-!" The bell rings. Thank the Allspark.

Professor Port slowly claps his hands. The student body follows suit, although we are all rather unsure of whether to reward such behavior. "Very... enthusiastic, Miss Long." He awkwardly coughs. "Perhaps next time you could use less colorful language?" He asks.

The rest of us have already packed our bags. "She'll be sure to heed your advice, sir!" I call out to the one who has the power to flunk us. We file down to the bottom of the class room and head for the door. I give Yang her book bag and grab by the collar.

"I would like to debate the grounds for that!" Yang declares.

"We'll debate it alone." I quickly turn my head back and smile at the one who has the power to expel us.

We exit the class room, coming into the massive hallway that connects it with the rest of the building. Already, students are starting to pour out. Some are getting to walk back to their dorm room, like us. Others are idly chatting with their cohorts, probably attempting to get dates. It's a shame that I've already got the best girlfriend in the entire world.

"I did good." Yang mutters with a frown as Team RWBY walks side by side. "Nobody liked my speech."

"That wasn't a speech." Weiss argues. "Sweet lord, that wasn't even a pontification! That was just-" She falters, looking for the right word.

"That was just you yelling at us for ten minutes straight." Ruby deadpans. Weiss rewards her for agreeing by intertwining their fingers. How cute.

I slip off my book bag and offer it to Yang. She automatically takes it from me and adds it to her own baggage. "Come here, you sexy, but totally unfair in criticism woman." She smiles and swoops me off my feet, carrying me in a bridal position. "I love you."

I wrap my arms around her neck. "And I love you when you're not yelling at us." I smile back and peck her on the lips. She pouts. I peck her again.

"One more time." She requests.

I give her a good, long smooch. I do enjoy seeing that smile of hers.

I hear Ruby growl. Looking over, I see her copy Yang's movements, taking Weiss's book bag and hoisting her off of her feet. "Ack! Ruby!" Weiss wraps her arms around her neck. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to be romantic!" Ruby exclaims as she starts gasping for air. We're outside now, though, so that shouldn't be too much of a problem for her.

"You're going to throw out your back!" Weiss counters. "You don't need to carry me!" She pleads.

Sweet lord, her face is almost as red as her cape. Speaking of which, why DOES she wear that cape with everything except her pajamas?

"Hey, girls!" Nora calls out to us. I see Team JNPR strolling down the walkway to meet us. Nora frolics forward, clutching Ren's hand in her own. Jaune and Pyrrha respect the school's code about PDAs. Pfft, their loss. "Whatcha doooin?" She gleams with joy.

"Wishing I was stronger right about now!" Ruby hisses. Yep, her face has now surpassed her cape in terms of color. She sets Weiss down and breathes a sigh of relief.

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Jaune confesses with a chuckle. Pyrrha pats him on the shoulder in response.

"I'm not that heavy." Weiss mutters, wiping snow white hair out of her face.

"Yeah, sis." Yang playfully nudges her. "Do you even lift?"

Ruby pouts.

"I think I have a solution!" Nora exclaims as she lets go of Ren's hand, discarding it in favor of her book bag. Rummaging around in it, she mutters, "I know I put it in here somewhere."

Ren breathes a sigh of relief and begins to massage his hand. "Finally..." He mutters. "Circulation at last."

"Here we go!" She removes from her book bag a monkey's paw. Oh dear.

"Nora, what is that?" I ask with caution.

"Monkey's paw." Team JNPR answers together.

"Nora, where did you get that?" Weiss asks with the utmost of caution.

"Found it." Team JNPR answers together.

It still has all three fingers sticking up in the air. "And you believe in the legend that the monkey paw grants wishes at incalculable cost?" I ask.

"Incalcu-wut?" Yang stares at me.

"According to legend," I explain, "The monkey paw can grant up to three wishes, but each one will come at a high price."

"Gimmi!" Ruby grabs the monkey's paw. "I'm a desperado! I have nothing to lose!" She holds it up into the air.

"I wish Weiss and I were strong enough to carry each other!" She wishes. Her face lights up as the pointer finger starts to pull itself down. "Oh! Oh! I also wish that Yang would be humbled! Y'know, teach her a lesson!"

"Hey!"

"Can you do that?" She asks with a bright smile on her face.

"Ruby," Weiss warns. "I don't think you should tamper with-"

The monkey paw gives Ruby a thumb's up and switches to one finger up.

"Great!" Ruby jumps for joy. "And while I'm at it, how 'bout you show people how awesome me and my girlfriend are?"

The monkey paw gives her another thumb's up and closes all of its fingers into a fist.

I blink. Nothing happened. We all look around.

Ruby decides, "Well, I guess that didn't work, Ruby."

"Wait, what?" Yang asks in shock.

"Better luck next time sis!" Jaune exclaims. He stops. "Wait." He clutches his throat. "Why am I a man?" He clutches his chest. "Where are my beautiful boobs?"

"Jaune, what are you-" I falter. I sound like Ren. Looking down, I see that I'm wearing his clothes. I look across the circle of friends and see myself. Oh dear.

"AAAGH!" Pyrrha falls forward, barely catching herself. She grabs her breasts and stares down at them in wonder. "Wh- wh- WHAT?!"

"Stop groping me!" Ruby exclaims, slapping Pyrrha across the face.

"AAAAGH!" Weiss shrieks, grabbing her own chest. "WHY AM I SO FLAT?!"

"Ruby, you've messed it all up!" Nora exclaims as she marches over to Ruby and begins to shake her.

Ruby screams, "I didn't do anything! Ruby's the one who made the wishes!"

"YOU ARE RUBY!" We all shout at her.

Nora exclaims, "I TOLD you not to mess with that stupid paw!"

"You're the one who gave it to me!" Yang shouts back.

Nora shakes her head and Ruby's body. "I did NO such th-" She stops and stares down at her chest. She slowly and cautiously pokes at her breasts. "Oh."

I step forward. No wait, Blake steps forward. But I'm- Ugh. "I believe that we have all..." Blake hesitates. "Switched bodies."

"WHY?!" The rest of us demand.

"Ruby's first wish was to have Yang's strength." He- She- my body explains in my body's voice, "It would stand to reason that Ruby inadvertently possessed Yang's body to satisfy the wish. Thus, Yang's consciousness would have to be transfered over to another body." He- she- MY BODY looks around. "Whoever thinks they're Yang, please raise your hand."

Jaune raises his hand, tears welling up in his eyes. "I want my boobs back." He- she whimpers.

"So the second wish of humbling Yang was also granted." My body nods.

I groan.

"And that means," Whoever is in my body continues, "That Jaune would have to possess someone else's body."

Pyrrha meakly raises her- his... A hand is raised. "Here, and now with extra mass." He- she- HE jiggles his... boobs? Her boobs? The boobs are jiggled in demonstration.

"And so Pyrrha would have to take someone else's body." I cut in.

"Wh- Y-" My body groans. "Yes, Ren's body is correct."

Ruby gently pulls Nora off. "That would be me." She confirms.

"And so that would mean that Weiss and Nora switched bodies as well." Jaune- Yang- Jaune's body deduces.

"So the third wish was also granted." Pyrrha murmurs. Her face lights up. "So, Pyrrha, isn't it awesome being me?"

"NO." Ruby exclaims. "And quite frankly, I wouldn't mind being returned to my original body."

"I'm so flat." Weiss groans. Weiss's body groans. Ugh, understanding calculus is easier than this.

"I'm so top heavy." Nora, who is possessed by Weiss, complains.

"Monkey paw!" Jaune- Yang in Jaune's body screams, grabbing the monkey's paw which was dropped on the ground in the initial confusion. "How long will this last?!"

The paw holds up two fingers and then switches to four fingers.

"Twenty-four hours?" Yang in Jaune's body asks.

The paw gives a thumb's up.

"Okay, great!" She- he- She in his body exclaims. Sweet lord, I need to stop trying. Jaune approaches me. "Blake?"

"...Yes?" I ask. WOW, I sound weird in Ren's voice.

"Okay, just double-checking!" Jaune's hands grab my own, larger man hands. "Let's go!"

"Where are we going?!" I demand as Jaune's body starts pulling me along.

"Back to the dorm for hot yaoi sex!" He- she- HE exclaims.

Wait, what?

"NOOOOO!" Pyrrha- Jaune in Pyrrha's body and Ren in my body exclaim in unison as they start to run after us.

Jaune hoists me off my feet. "OH BOY!" He gasps, trying to hold me and out run the other two. "Jaune needs to lift some bar-Bell-adonnas." He snickers.

I groan. This is going to be a long twenty-four hours.

Notes: Credit goes to the tumblr genius, Weiss rabbit, for offering up the idea of body swapping. I shall steal it like I stole ur mum's heart. post/67188475065/m-azing-m-azing-oh-my-god-why-hav e-we-never


End file.
